This recent discussion with Jack and Karen, my father and step mother, takes place on a yearly basis at one of my favorite restaurants/bars in the world, The Broadway Bar and Grill in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, right on the Jersey shore. I’d change the names of the innocent, but as there are no innocent people here, let’s just say I forgot. They’re both wonderful people, but their taste in food sometimes has me heaving.
Waitress: I already know what your drinks will be, you wonderful folks are here more than the staff. Our special of the day is a dozen raw oysters on the half shell. How’s that sound?
Jack: That would be a wonderful appetizer. Karen what do you think?
Karen: I’d love to split some oysters with you honey.
Waitress: (looking at me) And you sir? Would you like our special of the day? Our oysters come right off the fishing boats across the street.
Me: Mmm… that does sound appetizing, but instead of raw oysters, I’ll have a heaping vat of runny snot and could you put a nice warm bowl of ebola soup on the side?
Jack: That is vile and disgusting, have you no shame?
Me: Of course not, just like I’m not going to have any raw oysters.
(A few minutes later Lori arrives with a plate of nastyness)
Karen: You really should try one, expand your horizons for once. You might like it.
Me: I might also like playing in traffic, but that doesn’t meant I’m going to try it.
Jack: Hey, you wanna try these raw oysters? They’re delicious. Right off the boat. (he know’s I know this, but it’s the ritual of it all)
Me: You know what else comes right off the boat? Vomit, from being sea sick, which I’m actually close to doing after watching you two eat that slithering mass of goo. I’ll have 12 more beers though, maybe it’ll help ease my stomach. That seems wise.
(did this actually happen? Absolutely)
Our waitress has known my family for years and I think she goes through this routine just to see what sort of filthy dish I’d rather have in lieu of raw oysters. I’m confident raw oysters are awesome, judging from the number of misguided people that eat them, but you certainly won’t catch me slurping them down.
- Raw oysters do, in fact, look surprisingly like a bowl of snot.
- Apparently, I’m missing out on these tasty treats and I’m okay with that.