Fart Zombie

Not long ago, I rescued four tiny kittens from the town’s water treatment plant (don’t ask what I was doing there, that’s another story). At the time, they were about four weeks old and in very poor health. Apparently, some worthless asshat thought it was a great idea to abandon them in the 100 degree Texas heat. They wouldn’t have survived out there for another day or so in those conditions. Aren’t they adorkable?


Looking closely, you can see three of the kitties have recently turned on their blue eye lasers. I’m so proud. Yes, the secret is out! I’ve developed kittens with laser beams that shoot out of their eyes! I’ll rule the world!

Ahhhemmm… anyway. I took them to the vet’s office immediately, where they were examined and given antibiotics as well as some special drops for their eyes. All four had eye infections that needed to be treated (this had nothing to do with the lasers though). Was this expensive? Sure it was. Do I need four more cats to take care of and find homes for? No, not at all. However, I could not in good conscience let them die. The rescue mission was underway.

A week after the little monsters were rescued they were growing like weeds, basically wrecking shop wherever they went. It’s heaps of fun to watch. They’re adorable, as you can see from my expert photography.

What kind of thanks do I get from these kittens for rescuing such cuteness? Well, I was lying on the floor of my bathroom, playing with the kittens in order to help socialize them. They were crawling all over me, generally having a great time, when one of the kittens, the black one in the above photo (the one without the blue eye laser beam), jumped on my chest and began playing with his tail, as kittens are apt to do. We were having a great time when Black kitty stood up on my chest, turned around, stuck his ass in my face and kitten farted. Mind you, I didn’t hear a thing, but I can tell you a kitten fart is highly concentrated and should be considered a biohazard. I coughed, gagged and generally tried not to vomit all over myself. For the love of all that is good and holy, how could such a horrific, toxic waste smell come from such a tiny ball of fluff? There is the real possibility that I’m actually dead and walking around as some sort of fart Zombie.


On a very positive note, two of the kittens have been adopted. Oddly enough, of the two kitties not yet adopted, one of them is the offending kitty who farted in my face. I’m sure he’s made his momma proud.

Lessons learned:

  1. Adopt rescue cats and dogs. It’ll change your life.
  2. Kitten farts are deadly.
  3. A person can lead a fairly productive life as a Fart Zombie.

Update! Great news, all the kitties have been adopted. Each went with a brother to two furever homes. I’m still a fart zombie.


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