The Flatulence Protocol

There are times in ones life when you have to attend staff meetings.  These are not voluntary meetings and must be attended, if you plan on staying employed for any length of time.  There are also times when a variety of factors converge to create a rather hilarious yet unfortunate series of events.  Like when you show up for a meeting drunk and incredibly farty.

Such was the case when I had to attend a mandatory staff meeting when I was employed as a lifeguard at Texas A&M University.  One night at the beginning of a new semester we had an inservice training for returning staff members like my brother and I, as well as new lifeguards.  There were about 80 of us in total and we were all seated in the natatoriums bleachers.  Mind you I absolutely despise meetings of any kind as you’ve probably guessed, so the outcome of this is fairly predictable.  As we waited for the misery to start, I was brewing a significant beer fart (yes, I was drunk.  It was college!!).  So my only real option was to blow a huge fatty…..then turn to the new freshman dude sitting to my left, point to him and say “Was that you?!!! Show some decency man!!!!” The poor guy was speechless, totally slack jawed.  Two very pretty female lifeguards right in front of us that I’d known for a couple of years turned around to assess the situation and simply said “Seriously Scott?!! Don’t be an ass this guy is brand new”.  They still thought it was hysterical though.  In all honesty it was incredibly funny.  I didn’t even feel bad about it until later when I’d sobered up.

There are a few instances in life when these opportunities present themselves and they should never be squandered.  If you ever have the chance to blow a huge fart at a staff meeting and have the opportunity to blame someone else you should absolutely do so.  I call it the flatulence protocol.  Can this sort of behavior get you into trouble?  Possibly, but is it worth it? Of course it’s worth it.  Staff meetings are one of life’s most miserable experiences and you should take every opportunity that comes your way to liven things up.  You’ll thank me later.

Lessons learned:

  1. Take the road less traveled, fart in public.
  2. Day drinking is okay, just don’t drive.
  3. Farts blamed on other people are not your fault.


One comment

  1. Ah, yes, Scotty. How DO. You get away with such things and have everyone in hysterics but the poor dude you have blamed it on? Confession is good for the soul. I did laugh off and on for a full day after you told me if the deed. 🙂
    Keep up the good work!

    Liked by 1 person

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