Staff Meeting Misery

As most people already know, I cannot stand staff meetings of any kind. I’m talking about unit meetings, district meetings, quarterly meetings and the dreaded yearly Holiday meeting/party. Due to my less than enthusiastic attitude toward these colossal wastes of my infinitely valuable time, I have been labeled as “not a team player”. I suppose that’s pretty accurate.

Staff meetings are a necessary evil, I get that. But that understanding does not make me enjoy them any more or less than before. Staff meetings are designed to convey “critical” information to a large crowd. Therein lies problem number two, I cannot stand large crowds. So do some basic math. Add: Staff meetings + large crowds = Scotty is F’ing miserable!

At a great number of these meetings everyone would be forced to stand up, state their name, department, time with the company and something interesting about themselves that nobody knew about.  This was an open invitation for me to make up some outlandish bullshit story and see if anyone was paying attention. Why, yes indeed, I was Ryan Reynolds’ stunt double/butt model in both Dead Pool movies.  It was a personal favor to him. Go ahead, take a look.  Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

There is a widely known, scientific fact that over 100% of these meetings can be accomplished with an equally annoying email. Hence the picture seen below.

I could have earned hundreds of these!

I could have earned hundreds of these beautiful, blue survival ribbons. I’d have displayed them proudly in my office, if I wouldn’t have been fired for insubordination. I could have wall papered my entire office with these beauties. And to say my high school guidance counselor said I’d never amount to anything. I’m a survivor! I’m #1 bitches!

We actually had meetings where someone came up with the brilliant idea of having “team building” exercises. It’s kind of a self explanatory thing that’s supposed to build unity and team spirit among your fellow co-workers. They really only served to make everyone feel insanely uncomfortable and made me wish I’d remembered to bring one or three hip flasks filled to the brim with whisky. Day drinking at these meetings and drunk by 10am would have made these team building exercises so much more enjoyable. Apparently, upper management tends to frown on drinking at work… pity.

At these meetings there is of course the dreaded and often cursed group of people that go out of their way to make the experience longer and more insufferable. These are the people that sit at the front of the class and ask insanely complicated, stupid questions thereby prolonging this useless, painful experience. There are people that actually enjoy these get togethers. They’re the head nodding, hand raising group… Oh, how I despise them. I once texted a friend of mine during one of these meetings after he asked one too many rather useless questions. It went something like this… “I swear to 6 pound, 8 oz baby Jesus, if you ask one more fucking question, I’ll stab you in the eye with my doughnut! It was after this meeting that I got another stern talking to because my supervisor spit coffee all over himself after I sent the text message to him. He really thought it was pretty funny. Totally worth it though.

It was widely known to all except upper management to not bother me as I sat at the very back of the room where I could often be found, alone trying to fashion a noose out of straws and napkins in order to end my suffering.

There were many people who justifiably earned twice what I made at these comedy shows.  They had a special knack for asking me what I thought during one of our many 15 minute breaks. It normally went like this.

Bigger paycheck person: Hey Scott, how’s it going? What do you think of the meeting so far?

Me: Huh? Oh, I have no idea. I turned off my brain as soon as I walked in the door and the meeting got started. I figure I don’t need a functional brain for this sort of shit. Can’t they just send one of those miserable emails? Where’s the margarita machine?

Bigger paycheck person: Scott, seriously, everyone knows your never check you email.

Me: I checked my email once… you know to see if it worked and stuff.

Bigger paycheck person: Scott, that was 10 years ago.

Me: Really, I forgot… you know, concussions in my youth. Hey, can I schedule a day off for some surgery? I’m sure I’m going to need to have a faulty sphincter valve replaced, or I might have a dislocated spleen six months from now?

Bigger paycheck person: Wouldn’t that be around the time for our next quarterly staff meeting?

Me: I’m not really sure, send me an email.

It was about this time that I got another lecture about my pissy attitude and something about insubordination… again, totally worth it.

You see, work is called “work” for a reason.  It generally sucks, otherwise they’d call it vacation with a paycheck.

Please understand, I really liked most of my fellow co-workers and the time we spent together in the toil and drudgery of our chosen profession was great.  I’m quite confident when my current and former co-workers read this, they’ll silently understand.  I say silently because if they were anything like me, they’d get written up or yelled at for posting this blog on the department wide bulletin board… totally worth it.

Lessons learned:

  1. Staff meetings totally suck, an email would do just fine… even if no-one reads it.
  2. NOBODY likes “team building” exercises!
  3. If you’re going to get written up or yelled at for insubordination… make it count, become a legend.

Bonus: If you actually like staff meetings, you’re part of the problem.  Get a hip flask, fill it with whisky….begin day drinking.

Please share this in the buttons below.  Share it with your coworkers, friends, family and especially with your supervisors.  When you do share it, your last words should be… totally worth it.

One comment

  1. I would take notes during staff meetings. These notes were a real time summary of the meeting, consisting of me mocking both the speaker and the subject. After the meeting concluded, half a dozen of my co-workers and I would gather in my supervisor’s office to have a “reading”. Good times!


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