Have you ever been witness to something so crazy, nutty or off the wall, your instant reaction was “NOPE”, no way in hell I’m ever doing that! It might have been something you saw in person, or maybe you heard a crazy story at work. YouTube, for instance, is absolutely full of videos that easily classify as instant NOPE. Well, that is what this particular blog post is about. I’m very pleased to introduce the very first “NOPE LIST”. This is what I’m confident, will be the first of many such lists, a list to be added to and discussed at length around your company’s margarita machine (fine, water cooler).
I like to think of myself as a bit of an adventurous person and despite a lifetime of struggles with depression and anxiety, I’ve been fortunate enough to compile an admirable list of truly nifty adventures. Important to note, is that most of my special adventures have been undertaken, for the most part, completely solo, because I cannot stand large crowds. Plus, large crowds of people are fairly NOPE inducing anyway.
I’ve been blessed enough to fly aerobatics in a WWII fighter plane just outside of Dallas, flown in the Goodyear Blimp on two occasions, in high school I used to be an avid rock climber and when I lived in New Jersey I learned how to surf. I once got totally lost while exploring/hiking inside the crater of a dormant volcano. Having not erupted in 1,500 years, give or take, I was fairly confident I wasn’t going to get covered in molten rocky goo. My point is, I’ve been very fortunate to have done some pretty cool shit and I’m normally up for all kinds of questionable adventures. But occasionally, something comes up that makes me instantly go NOPE! Let’s begin.
Just last week, I discovered a two hour program that became the genesis for this blog. A program that immediately made me go, NOPE! HELL NO!
The documentary detailed three dudes who go looking for what is very possibly the largest bear on the planet, perhaps the largest bear ever. The bear, affectionately called “Grandfather” by the local Tlingit tribe, lives on a large island off the coast of Alaska. The island has been designated one of the most dangerous places on the planet due to the incredibly large population of truly colossal bears inhabiting the place. So dangerous in fact, that parts of the island haven’t seen humans in 400 or 500 years. One female bear on the island, tenderly referred to as “SheShaa” or literally translated, “Blood mountain”, is gigantic. When compared to “Grandfather” though, she’s actually pretty small. Behold, “Grandfather”.
This particular bear is so massive, they figure he weighs in at roughly 2,600 lbs and while standing on all four feet, might be over 7 ft tall at the shoulder! The researchers estimate he towers over 14 ft tall when standing on his back feet. The documentary team (crazy people), found a back foot print from “Grandfather” measuring over 23 inches long! They speculate he’s capable of beheading a full grown moose with one swipe of his paw. The researchers eventually found the bear and were able to get hair samples for DNA testing and such. He’s so big, it’s truly horrifying. Now, why would I go looking for a 2,600 lb killing machine, one requiring the consumption of 200 lbs of meat a day? Just the thought of coming upon this giant bear in the woods, is enough to induce a full on pants crapping episode. NOPE! Add that to the list.
Here’s one that’s all over Youtube lately. There are loads of insane people (for some reason lots of them are Russian, go figure) who enjoy illegally climbing incredibly high structures like buildings, towers and cranes all around the world and filming themselves doing it (Everyone gather ’round for a selfie!). On many occasions, clouds can actually be seen BELOW these adventurers! Oh, I said death defying earlier for a reason. Many of these people are actually dead, having defied nothing, including gravity. Apparently, a large number of them die every year by falling. I’m sure that during a 1,500 ft fall, you’ve got a few seconds to contemplate your life before going squish. It’s true what I said earlier, a great many of these people seem to be crazy Russians. Why? I have no idea.
Next picture, squish… NOPE!
They certainly have my admiration and I’d love to hang out with people nutty enough to try something like this. When you contemplate these videos, you realize no one is wearing safety harnesses or parachutes and some of the videos are shot at night. To their credit, the videos are hugely fun to watch and the scenery is amazing. Hey Scott? Wanna go climb a tower/building that’s thousands of feet tall, at night? Maybe bring along a GoPro camera and take some video, perhaps a selfie? NOPE! Hell no!! First and foremost, I don’t like taking selfies on solid ground, so why would I illegally climb thousands of feet in the air where I might get an airplane up my ass, or fall to an untimely death? NO, NO, NO! NOPE!
Not long ago, I watched another documentary on TV about a husband and wife team who were doing research on the cutest little ocean going glob of goop you’ve ever seen, the Box Jellyfish. These cute little jellyfish are usually quite small and apparently not easy to find. But don’t take their cuteness as a sign that these jellyfish can be played and cuddled with, without seriously endangering your health.
Glob of goop… NOPE!
During their research, the wife got stung by one of these jellyfish and was visibly experiencing incredible pain. The husband exited the water to help her and while taking off his wetsuit, touched one of these ocean going assassins. What you need to understand is the Box jellyfish’s venom is incredibly toxic and unbearably painful. As a real positive, it can also completely stop your heart. The video of the couple at the local hospital is difficult to watch because they’re both screaming in agony as the toxins course through their bodies and you know there’s a chance neither of them will survive. I’ve been stung many times by regular, sissy jellyfish while surfing and it hurts like hell. So why, for the love of all that is good and holy, would I want to have anything at all to do with actually going and looking for these little bastards? NOPE! I’m not doing it! I’d rather go shark diving while wearing a wetsuit made out of bacon….mmmm, bacon. By the way, the couple survived after spending a few weeks in the hospital. They then went right back to studying the damn jellyfish.
I’d like to get something going here, so please leave a comment about some form of craziness that would make your “NOPE” list. It can be anything from attending a Dallas Cowboy’s football game, dinner at the White House, skydiving… anything. Let’s see what else we can come up with.
- I watch way too much TV.
- Any animal called “Blood Mountain” should be left alone…forever.
- The “NOPE” list is real people.